What will I be when I grow up? Is that a question or a challenge? I top off the afternoon at the WLC Summit with a panel on Second Acts.
Jeri Sedlar, author of Don’t Retire, REWIRE, is our session moderator. She introduces the panel with high energy. In explaining the need for a second act, she reads from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love (pg 94): “at every stage you know who you are, do you?” You can only see your reflection in still water. One size does not fit all. Don’t edit – be open to receive. Many things are changing. Get PMA (positive mental attitude). Don’t pursue passion until you have meaning and purpose. Stop being a perfectionist and thinking you need to be in control. Listen, try things and discard what you don’t need. Have the guts to listen to yourself as you listen to the panel. Wear a “so what” hat.
Judy Girard, President of HGTV is first and tell us, “I have nothing to talk about. I represent total confusion. Fifty is a magical year. The internal voice at 61 has gotten bigger and bigger – what will I do. It’s been comforting to read the books that women have authored on the topic of aging. The only answer I have is that I need to leave the corporate world to find the answer. I need to create that space to find the second half. I have learned that fear is extremely powerful. Reading books does not make it go away. The life stories we tell ourselves are very limited and defining. It’s a box. A life coach has been a godsend in relation to this. I don’t have a lot of interests and passions. You have to deal with the unknown. It takes what it takes – you cannot hurry it. Menopause is a blessing. Your whole life breaks down in a new way and it forces you to change so many things about yourself.”
Yvonne Shepard who after an amazing career in telecom founded 9 Women explains, “It’s amazing how many similarities women attending this conference have despite their different lives. I followed a roadmap in life. When I decided to leave the corporate world, there was no roadmap. With a group we call 9 Women I decided to join me in using our talents in a different way. After 5 years, our charter is to help women over 45 thrive. We created interactive tools to leverage the group resources and they are playful. Starting with a rented corporate meeting room and used familiar business processes, we finally began to loosen up. We used an organic process that we discovered that opened us up. Our guiding principle is that the things we do must take us beyond our limits. One was taking a course on drawing on the right side of our brain. Being part of something is an important part of the corporate world and this replaces it. We are alpha women. Reaching consensus is not easy for us. We have managed to respect one another and work synergistically. Our book includes 9 essays. We have found that being part of a group was important. In rising in our careers we learned to push personal interests out of the way and forgot how to experience things that we fear. Retirement has been a decompression time and allowed us to rediscover skills. When we learn something new, it leads to unexpected things. We are a work in progress. We have fun.”
Suzanne Braun Levine, feminist activist and founding editor of MS Magazine, wisely counsels, “You’ve already heard everything you need to know. In the last few years, I’ve gone over this stuff and found that 2 questions always come up: Am I the only one? Am I crazy? We are struggling with what am I going to do with the rest of my life. It is very much like adolescence – body change, hormones, relationships with parents, romance, friendships. This is not a little thing. Historic scripts have been written for us before (daughter, wife, etc.) and there is none for this stage. It is so transformative. Menopause is a plus. Don’t buy in to the put down. Margaret Mead explained it as post-menopausal zest. You are being a different person – as you take yourself apart and put yourself together again. Lists don’t work. Things you always wanted to do are no longer interesting. The person that wrote that list is long gone. There are a couple of stages that may make it easier. The first is confused, experimenting, strange behavior where people say to you “you’re not yourself anymore.” You reply, I don’t care what people think anymore. This is the ‘fuck you fifties’. They are accompanied by a fertile void, a tumble down Alice’s rabbit hole, a freefall. People are full of suggestions. You are full of rage. It’s a timeout. Nothing changes if nothing changes. We have little pilot lights – something that has always been there for you. They will take you along the way as you make small changes. Friends are your circle of trust. Reach out to women who don’t have one. The friendships may account for our longer life span, as they increase serotonin through laughter and trust. This whole process is not about goals. It’s the journey and not the destination that makes this part of life so exciting.”
The roomful of avid listeners shift to active dialogue. The theme of fear of the unknow seems to have struck a chord. And the ways we are changing defy the understanding of our families. And call for the close relationships of women who are making the same jouney. There is hope.
