It would be magical to wake up one morning and find I was everything I always wanted to be. As it happens, the results I’m looking for may be realistic possibilities. It’s the means to those ends that will have to be reconfigured. In life, as in all things, there are few instant successes.

My bookshelves, the whole, hardcopy kit-and-kaboodle as well as the virtual somewhat shorter version on Library Thing are a testament to expectations. It’s a fascination to see how many ways I’d like to improve by browsing my shelves . . . just look at some of these covers. I want to be thin, rich, effective, well-dressed, and articulate. I’ve read the books. I’m still “fluffy”, underfunded, inadequate, and tongue-tied. Ironically, I’ve managed to improve my fashion sense. So what’s with the wardrobe upgrade and why does that work when the rest of my yearnings are still unfulfilled?

Well, those cheeky British BBC fashionistas, Trinny and Susannah, have empathy. With careers and lives that come from outside the fashion industry, they had to learn how to dress the hard way . . . by making mistakes themselves. They also admit to their own figure flaws. Claiming neither expertise or a perfect shape, these are my kind of gals. They also expect all of us to look up-to-date, colorful, and shapely. And they start with guidance for infrastructure . . . foundation garments that shift and redistribute each woman’s natural assets. They coach, coach, coach through the racks of enticing blouses, skirts, dresses, shoes and accessories to retrain even the most fashion challenged. And they pull the pieces together into a cohesive total package.

Does it sound like a formula for coaxing the reluctant candidate along? You bet! I wonder what would happen if the other gurus of change appealed to me that way?

Technology Sphere:
Starting with some home-based experiments in my early teens, I have been fascinated with science and technology. That led to a BS in chemistry and work in pharmaceuticals. Time off for kids overlapped with the introduction of the desktop PC – bought an Apple IIe for them to do homework . . . and guess who was bitten by what bug. In 1992 I upgraded the PC and got a modem. Within months I audited an online course at UC Santa Cruz out of curiousity about distance learning. By 1997, I was leading my first online course development project. In 1999 I switched industries and starting working in software and services where e-learning and technical training were my primary focus. I started teaching grad school courses online, and contributed a chapter to the AMA Handbook of e-Learning. The structure and inflexibility of LMS’s challenged my notions of collaboration at work and in the classroom. Enter Web 2.0. I am now a consultant, fully engaged in fostering it’s philosophy and ways of work.
My grandfather used to marvel at the fact that he crossed the Atlantic Ocean for the first time at age 14 in a commercial vessel powered by sails . . . and at 80 flew from New York City to Providence, RI to visit his relatives. How will I measure the distance I would have travelled by the time I reach that age? Time will tell . . .

In the meantime, I am asking that you to contribute $21 at http://www.givemeaning.com/proposal/netsquared to a campaign that is attempting to raise $500 for each of the Net Squared projects.  There is great work insured with your small investment! 

After taking action to prevent yourself from doing something you’ll regret later on, open yourself to the gifts of your anger. My anger, for example, gives me these gifts:

A. Vitality: I am alive. I feel the vitality in my body.
B. Agency: I am ready to go into action.
C. Self-respect: I feel that I am a good and worthy
person, deserving good treatment.
D. Engagement: Let me at it. I am going to handle this.
E. Capability: I can do it. I can handle this.
F. Valor/Heroism: I stand up for what is right; I champion what needs protection
G. Courage/Boldness: I am brave

I once thought that resilience was the answer to everything. If you could take the blows that life dealt you and bounce back, you had overcome the situation – whatever it was. Well, life has made me aware that absorbing some blows builds muscle. However, there are times when the breaking point has been reached and rearing back and letting it all go is far better. Charles Downey explains the health implications of hidden emotions in Anger: Don’t Put a Lid on It. When the essentials are at stake and who you are is far too high a price to pay for maintaining harmony, get angry!

We feel so disenfranchised and separated today, and it makes me happy when we get together like this in community. Everything you are here talking about – union of spirit, mind and body – is in my new book, Naomi’s Guide to Aging Gratefully: Facts, Myths, and Good News for Boomers . Vitamin G – gratitude – if you practice it. Shift happens when you have a breakthrough. I’m a communicator. It’s important to figure out your story. The number one cause of unhappiness is not knowing who you are. Americans are more unhappy today despite living in the richest country in the world – we rank 23^rd in happiness in the world. Start thinking about your story.

Naomi thinks that we have collective ADHD. Nobody has anytime to pay attention to her own life. We are distracted from what we are doing and why. She explains where here wake-up call came from:

If you don’t know who you are and what you stand for, you’ll fall for everything. That’s what the media wants – for us to buy their stuff. We only use 20% of what we have. I’ve had to become a detective of my life – as I saw the stories about myself in magazines and TV.

She speaks of having, “cleaned out the energy vampires in my life”. The chronicle is in her book. Her conviction on the importance of that experience compels her to say:

I want you to go home and think about yourself. Instead of vacuuming out your thighs, vacuum out your brain. Here is how you get started thinking about who you are at your core essence. Take off your masque. We are followers following followers. You can tell your values by looking at your check stubs. We are all driven by emotions.

Naomi was aware at 17 of what emotional template was driving her life – this was her first life lesson. Her brother was taken to the hospital and she was left to raise the other kids in the family. In life the tests come first and the lessons come later. That year, my brother died, mom and dad got a divorce, the boy who got her pregnant left town. All of this caused her to step back.

The world screams and God whispers. I had to get in touch with my feelings and express them. Start communicating with yourself. What was your first life lesson? The lessons were that I figured out that real security comes from within. The deepest source of my identity is God. Control and security are really illusions. You can control your reactions.

When you know who you are, not only do you not fall for media hype — you get a sense of peace of mind and the ability to deal with stuff. Naomi’s second life lesson at 22 as she was getting a divorce. She had 2 kids and realized that how healthy, happiness and long-living you are depends on your self-esteem. She recognized that< “We bait and set our own traps. I recognized that you get to be a victim once and after that you’re a volunteer.” She went back to Appalachia and became an RN. In that time, the talents of her family surfaced and her life direction changed. Her final thoughts sum it up:

What’s not serving you? What’s not working as you look at your life story? Life’s a process. It’s always gonna be something. The bottom line is that I figured out my story and I stand with my girls figuring out their story. When you do a serious moral inventory of your life, nothing can happen.

Her life lessons were first learned from her father:

Money has nothing to do with class.
Power is something that you take.

Divorced and the mother of a 4 year old, she read a book about financial management and was motivated to study for her license as a stock broker. It is clear that her early training as a teacher translated well into her current career in broadcasting on personal finance. She puts concepts into bite-sized, digestible morsels:

• The Dow Jones indicates how the market is doing by measuring the performance of 30 companies.
• The Standard and Poors 500 is more accurate as ¾ of your investments will go with it.

Her mission is to teach anyone to learn to invest. She encourages us to invest together through investment clubs. She describes investing as walking a tightrope between greed and fear. To measure fear look at the BETA which is found at www.Morningstar.com under risk factors. A risk factor of .5 means the stock is half the volatility of the market over the 3 years. Look at trailing returns for your mutual funds. Bear Market Decile Rank means how that mutual
fund performed in the last 5 years – 1 is the best, 10 is the worst. This information is conveyed with logic and the certainty that women can and will manage their finances well. To do so is essential to a sustainable future.

Jeri Sedlar, author of Don’t Retire, REWIRE, is our session moderator. She introduces the panel with high energy. In explaining the need for a second act, she reads from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love (pg 94): “at every stage you know who you are, do you?”  You can only see your reflection in still water.  One size does not fit all. Don’t edit – be open to receive. Many things are changing. Get PMA (positive mental attitude). Don’t pursue passion until you have meaning and purpose. Stop being a perfectionist and thinking you need to be in control. Listen, try things and discard what you don’t need. Have the guts to listen to yourself as you listen to the panel. Wear a “so what” hat.

Judy Girard, President of HGTV is first and tell us, “I have nothing to talk about. I represent total confusion. Fifty is a magical year. The internal voice at 61 has gotten bigger and bigger – what will I do. It’s been comforting to read the books that women have authored on the topic of aging. The only answer I have is that I need to leave the corporate world to find the answer.  I need to create that space to find the second half. I have learned that fear is extremely powerful. Reading books does not make it go away. The life stories we tell ourselves are very limited and defining. It’s a box. A life coach has been a godsend in relation to this. I don’t have a lot of interests and passions. You have to deal with the unknown. It takes what it takes – you cannot hurry it.  Menopause is a blessing. Your whole life breaks down in a new way and it forces you to change so many things about yourself.”

Yvonne Shepard  who after an amazing career in telecom founded 9 Women explains, “It’s amazing how many similarities women attending this conference have despite their different lives. I followed a roadmap in life. When I decided to leave the corporate world, there was no roadmap. With a group we call 9 Women I decided to join me in using our talents in a different way. After 5 years, our charter is to help women over 45 thrive. We created interactive tools to leverage the group resources and they are playful. Starting with a rented corporate meeting room and used familiar business processes, we finally began to loosen up. We used an organic process that we discovered that opened us up. Our guiding principle is that the things we do must take us beyond our limits. One was taking a course on drawing on the right side of our brain. Being part of something is an important part of the corporate world and this replaces it. We are alpha women. Reaching consensus is not easy for us. We have managed to respect one another and work synergistically. Our book includes 9 essays. We have found that being part of a group was important. In rising in our careers we learned to push personal interests out of the way and forgot how to experience things that we fear. Retirement has been a decompression time and allowed us to rediscover skills. When we learn something new, it leads to unexpected things. We are a work in progress. We have fun.”

Suzanne Braun Levine, feminist activist and founding editor of MS Magazine, wisely counsels, “You’ve already heard everything you need to know. In the last few years, I’ve gone over this stuff and found that 2 questions always come up: Am I the only one? Am I crazy? We are struggling with what am I going to do with the rest of my life. It is very much like adolescence – body change, hormones, relationships with parents, romance, friendships.  This is not a little thing. Historic scripts have been written for us before (daughter, wife, etc.) and there is none for this stage. It is so transformative. Menopause is a plus. Don’t buy in to the put down. Margaret Mead explained it as post-menopausal zest. You are being a different person – as you take yourself apart and put yourself together again. Lists don’t work. Things you always wanted to do are no longer interesting. The person that wrote that list is long gone. There are a couple of stages that may make it easier. The first is confused, experimenting, strange behavior where people say to you “you’re not yourself anymore.” You reply, I don’t care what people think anymore. This is the ‘fuck you fifties’. They are accompanied by a fertile void, a tumble down Alice’s rabbit hole, a freefall. People are full of suggestions. You are full of rage. It’s a timeout. Nothing changes if nothing changes. We have little pilot lights – something that has always been there for you. They will take you along the way as you make small changes. Friends are your circle of trust. Reach out to women who don’t have one. The friendships may account for our longer life span, as they increase serotonin through laughter and trust. This whole process is not about goals. It’s the journey and not the destination that makes this part of life so exciting.”

The roomful of avid listeners shift to active dialogue. The theme of fear of the unknow seems to have struck a chord. And the ways we are changing defy the understanding of our families. And call for the close relationships of women who are making the same jouney. There is hope.

Women’s health is not an age issue is her message. At any age eating better and being physically active are important. Changing the way we think and putting ourselves higher on the priority list are a must. Inactivity and poor nutrition are directly related to chronic disease and aging. Pro-aging is about living as full a life as possible – change the paradigm about how we think about aging. Muscles keep us active, vibrant and healthy. Participation in physical activity is abysmal – and declines precipitously with age. If you are fit and overweight, you are better off than ideal weight and sedentary. Over the last 20 years the percentage of obese Americans is worsening – far more related to our environment – sheer number of brands of grocery store items, fast food opportunities, TV . . . We must change our behavior, starting with ourselves, to change our families and their health by: these steps

Community-based program run by allied heath professionals based on research and books.  In 34 states programs are running through cooperative extension, regional health and women’s offices. Strength training programs have gained the most participation. We need more research on adherence in exercise. It’s a leap of faith.

One of my decisions has been to devote my energy and time to a ground breaking initiative for women.  The Women’s Leadership Circle is the brainchild of Teresa Smith, an inspired AARP senior manager. Focused on the 50+ cadre that is actively engaged and aging with new commitments to society and self, this initiative soon went from concept to program through research that asked women what their issues were.  The intention of the group of us who joined in launching WLC was to provide women with choices.  Being the arbiter of your lifestyle and all that comes with it takes spunk. And it also takes shifting the paradigm for the three issues WLC research identified as the most critical: finances, health, and the images and language that represent about women as they age.

As we kick off the WLC’s first Summit this week in Tucson, the focus is on all the opportunities as well as the challenges that lie ahead. The women who have gathered here can rely on each other for encouragement and zeal — but in the end, we must choose to be personally committed and to act on the values, investments of time and resources, and the policy issues that ultimately shape the agenda for us as women of a certain age.

Even though the things that make people happy seem ephemeral and immaterial, they are the most important things in life, and they have not been studied very seriously.

As I’ve clearly lived more than half a lifetime, experience in this area does count for something. I’d like to offer a few tips that Csikszentmihalyi may want to pass along to the incoming class.  First, consider the people who have something to say about happiness and give up some of your assumptions.  Cheryl Honey, founder of Family Support Network International, recently won the Jefferson Award for her work in weaving a grassroots web of support  on behalf of a more caring, just, and civil society.  When she talks about people living with few financial resources, she focuses on their resilience and how they find pleasure when they give of themselves. They may be poor, underemployed, challenged by circumstances that are unexpected. They are happy. Second, do more than try to assign a number to everything. Some of the best theory is first collected as stories. Narrative research is relatively new on the landscape of most people. Wake Me Up When the Data is Over covers some of what I’m talking about. I know that Csikszentmihalyi is enthusiastic about probing people’s psyche at particular moments — you know, taking their ‘happiness temperature’.  Some of my techie colleagues might be happy to help him out with their Twitter access.  But I’m more prone to see broader periods of contentment in my life than isolated experiences of it. As I’ve explained in my appreciative inquiry blog, discovering the best of what is comes in wonderful recollections.  And in telling the stories . . . we are happy.

People have known for years that making a list of goals is the best way to achieve them. But most of us never get around to making a list. 43 Things is great for that! Make a list on 43 Things and see what changes happen in your life.

One of the featured commitments to age gracefully is titled Being able to embrace who I am . . .  This wise and wonderful intention touches my heart:

(1) Not being bitter about any past losses or wrongs (perceived or otherwise)

(2) Staying active, staying in shape

(3) Being comfortable in my skin. (Maybe a little hair color!)

(5) Never stop learning. Embrace new ideas.

(6) Enjoy each moment, each phase of my life, not worry about what should have happened, what might happen, what could happen.

(7) Know that I am part of the past and the present and the future and only a small part of the whole big picture.

When I look at the list, I think of the personal support system that sustains me in many of these pursuits.  I appreciate Sandy who lovingly resolves what has been and what will be. Teresa is an eager role model of fitness.  Staying centered is a gift from Barbara.  Susan encourages my intellect as my co-author.  With Ellen at my side the present is ultimately valued, as is the past and the future.  My beloved Aunt Teresa provides the legacy of big-picture thinking and generational insights. 

The capacity to look forward to whatever we find interesting, motivating and fulfilling is a gift. Sharing it is expansive to our circle . . . whether it’s a short list, 217 online sisters, or a big, wide wonderful generation of women growing together.